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Understanding Abusers

Abusers are rarely strangers, and not always men – they can be family, women, and other children

Abusers are rarely strangers, and not always men – they can be family, women, and other children

Through media and, perhaps, our own desire to feel safe within our trusted circles, we come to think of sexual predators as monsters – people we would never respect, like, or even love. But if that were the case, children wouldn’t be such great risk as they are and abusers would not be as effective at targeting children in loving, protective families. It may seem inexplicable as to why seemingly normal people would choose to sexually abuse anyone, let alone a child, but with better understanding as to the psychological issues that motivate abuse, we can retrain our brains to be more aware and protective of children.

Four stages of abuse

Predators that are interested in a continuously abusive relationship with a child often follow a similar pattern in behavior in order to groom the child into submission and secrecy. The better we all understand how this manipulations works, the better we can detect abuse, respond to concerns or disclosers, and support survivors without shaming or minimizing the impact of such manipulation and trauma.

Abuse by children

This may be one of the biggest reality-checking curve-balls regarding child sexual abuse. Who would think that nearly 40% of abusers were older or more physically/mentally advanced children? Generally an age difference of 3 years or more is enough for the older child to be aware that what he/she is doing is wrong. A larger child that can overpower a child smaller than them. A more knowledgeable child that exploits the naivety of a less-knowledgeable child. A child that has experienced or witnessed abuse and resorts to abuse as a means of acting out. Seven out of eight juvenile offenders are at least 12 years old, and 93% are boys. (Crimes Against Children Research Center, UNH, 2010)

We can prevent sexual abuse by teaching children about their own sexuality

Parents often wish to deny that their children will ever have sensual/sexual tendencies, even as young as toddlers. As they mature and their hormones increase these feelings of sexuality, it is important that we educate children how to take responsibility for their sexuality and what is the right and wrong way to respond to sexual arousal. The majority of children are now exposed to pornography – willingly or unwillingly by the age of 13.

The content of the pornography that is available can significantly impact a child’s sexual tendencies.

Some youth who commit sexual assault are serial offenders (they offend more than once), but most are not. The re-offense rate for such youth is 5%, lower than for adults who commit a first assault, and has been declining over time, possibly due to more awareness and better intervention. Therapy is often a necessary component to helping them work through it. Simply telling a child to “stop” or expressing anger or disappointment is not enough. The Stop It Now! organization has compiled great information about age-appropriate sexual behavior. And here’s a valuable handout from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network that outlines how to address inappropriate sexual behavior.

Possible motivators of children that abuse:

Abuse by family members

The construction of a family unit is a child’s most important source of confidence and security – incest breaks that foundation.

Incest thrives when adults lack the fortitude to accept that it exists. People often think that it happens in other families and couldn’t happen theirs, but this perspective puts children at risk. Incest can involve grooming or none at all, since there is typically an already-established sense of trust, affection, and love. Incest can and does involve all types of family members- fathers, mothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. One of the most violating aspects of incest is the destruction of trust between the child and their abuser – the construction of a family unit is a child’s most important source of confidence and security – incest breaks that foundation.

When it comes to protecting our children abuse prevention is best when it’s addressed within the family unit first.

Abuse by women

Sometimes woman sexually abuse children. It is hard to find solid statistical evidence to support how often it happens. This is because the victims by women tell much less often than those abused by men. Many victims don’t think people will believe them. Many don’t realize they were being abused until they are older.  Although limited research exists, it is suggested that for many cases involving female perpetrators the motivation is not primarily about sexual fulfillment, but emotional fulfillment (loneliness, low self-esteem, depression), and that women offenders are more likely to have experienced or be in abusive relationships (sexual, physical, and/or psychological) than male offenders. Studies also suggest that female perpetrators are less “predatory” and lean more toward being “opportunistic” offenders.

The main types of female perpetrators:

  • Facilitators- Women who intentionally aid men in gaining access to children for sexual purposes.
  • Reluctant Partners- Women in long term relationships who go along with sexual exploitation of a minor out of fear of being abandoned.
  • Initiating Partner- Women who want to sexually offend against a child and who may do it themselves or get a man or another woman to do it while they watch.
  • Seducers and Lovers- Women who direct their sexual interest upon adolescents and develop an intense attachment.
  • Pedophiles- Women who desire an exclusive and sustain sexual relationship with a child (a very rare occurrence).
  • Psychotic Women- Who suffer from a mental illness and who have inappropriate sexual contact with children as a result.

Unfortunately, most of these women are sentenced much less severely than men who commit the same types of crimes. What is considered the rape of a young girl by an adult male is considered to others as a “fantasy” for a boy. And just like male predators, there is no stereo-type to look for when trying to identify a female sexual abuser, despite how well the media draws attention to them, what many would consider, the most “attractive” female perpetrators – which, most likely, only continues the public’s perception that sexual offenses by women are less abusive – which is far from the truth.

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