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Parenting as a Survivor


Anyone who has survived trauma knows that there are certain triggers that come up afterwards that continue to affect your life. For survivors who become parents, the experience of raising children can bring up many of these triggers. Being aware in advance of what those triggers might be and how to manage them can ease the anxiety, and also, it really helps just to know that you are not alone in experiencing these feelings. Below you will find some tips and resources to help you manage when things get tough. I have included some information specific to moms and dads, and to both. But please read through all the information, as there may be some cross-over.

Common Triggers

During Pregnancy/Childbirth

We are told that pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful time full of warm, fuzzy feelings and an instant kinship with the little one growing inside us. But many mothers, even those who are not survivors, do not experience it. Pregnancy can be a very unsettling experience, as the loss of control over your body and painful experiences can remind you of the powerless feeling of experiencing abuse. It is very important that you disclose your abuse history to your caregivers so that they can support you and let you know what resources are available to you. As well, make sure your partner is aware that this may be a difficult time for you because of your abuse history. Have a discussion with your partner about how she/he can support you when you are feeling triggered. Be very honest in this discussion about what you do and do not want when you are feeling triggered. Some people may want a hug, others may not want to be touched. The more you can discuss these things in advance, the easier it will be to get through them together.

For Survivor Dads

Watching your partner go through this crazy transformation can be a frightening experience. It is hard to watch someone we love go through painful things, and especially during childbirth may trigger feelings of being powerless and out of control that remind you of your abuse experience.

For Both Parents

As abuse survivors, the time leading up to having a child can bring up many fears, most notably our fears of being overwhelmed by parenting and turning into an abuser ourselves. Talk with your partner as these fears come up, so that you can support each other during this time.

Parenting Young Children (0-5)

Navigating the intimate physicality of parenting young children can be difficult for sexual abuse survivors. Diaper changing, bath times, even hugs can feel very confusing and bring up irrational fears that we will become like our abusers. If you can recognize this fear as just another effect of the abuse itself, you can get some separation between you and it. This one can be particularly scary to talk about, because of our fear that our children will be taken away from us if we tell someone about it. Again, just knowing that this is a common fear can give you a bit of distance and allow the truth to come through, that you are not your abuser, and you can have a healthy, loving physical relationship with your child.

Navigating the intimate physicality of parenting young children can be difficult for sexual abuse survivors. Diaper changing, bath times, even hugs can feel very confusing and bring up irrational fears that we will become like our abusers. If you can recognize this fear as just another effect of the abuse itself, you can get some separation between you and it. This one can be particularly scary to talk about, because of our fear that our children will be taken away from us if we tell someone about it. Again, just knowing that this is a common fear can give you a bit of distance and allow the truth to come through, that you are not your abuser, and you can have a healthy, loving physical relationship with your child.

Parenting Older Children – Teens (6-18)

As our children grow up, it can be extremely anxiety inducing to allow them the increased independence that they need. Sleep overs, trips to the movies with friends, all these kinds of outings can bring up fears that our children will suffer abuse as we did. Sitting down with your child regularly to talk about touching and boundaries is the best protection you can give them to prevent this from happening. The key is to talk about these issues early, often, and casually, just as you would talk to them about being careful while crossing a street, or signalling before they shift lanes in the car. Encourage your kids to listen to the “uh-oh” feeling that tells them a situation is not safe. As your kids enter the teen years, talk to them about healthy relationships, which involve respecting boundaries.

One more time that is challenging for many survivors, is when their child reaches the age that their own abuse began. Again, speak with your partner or a support person about this when it comes up, so that they can help support you at this time.

Tips for Managing Anxiety and Triggers

No matter what we do or how prepared we think we are, there are times when we are overwhelmed by an unexpected trigger. Here are some techniques that you can use to manage them:

  1. Call a support person. This needs to be someone you trust, who is aware of your abuse history and will be able to empathetically respond to you.
  2. Find a physical practice that helps you release tension. This could be yoga, deep breathing, running or kick boxing. Whenever we are triggered, that stress response gets stuck in the body, and no amount of talk therapy will be as effective as physically moving through it.
  3. Join the online community at Trigger Points Anthology to read stories of other parent survivors. Knowing you are not alone really helps.

Also check out Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Parenting as a SurvivorThe Courage of Parenting With a History of Trauma, and our resources page for more reading suggestions.

 

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