Author: Adrianne Simeone

Many adults, when first expressing interest in protecting children from sexual abuse ask questions about when and how to teach their children body safety. Naturally, we want to give our children the tools to protect themselves (and should, in age-appropriate ways), but rather than focusing on putting the responsibility on children to prevent abuse, a better situation would be to protect children from being in situations where they may be at risk for abuse in the first place.  That’s not to say that body safety education isn’t important – it’s essential and has numerous benefits, but it’s only part of protecting children. Many people are unaware what steps to take beyond body safety, and will ask, ‘Can we reduce the risk of sexual abuse in the first place?’ In short, the answer is: we should certainly try.

Can we reduce the risk of sexual abuse?

As an analogy, teaching children body safety is similar to buckling a child in a car seat. We do it for their safety, but is that all we can do to keep children from being harmed on a car ride? As protective adults, we would also pay attention to the road to see what’s ahead, keep ourselves undistracted, and drive defensively so we can avoid possible risk of harm. Ideally, we do not want to “test” the effectiveness of a safety belt or car seat, that is a last resort, worst-case scenario.

Eyes on the Road

As adults, there is a lot that we need to know to better protect children from sexual abuse. Given that over 90% of all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone known to the child, it is likely, we too, may know the person as well – possibly since before our child was even born. The younger the child, statistically, the more likely a perpetrator will be a family member or someone intimately involved in the life of that child. As protectors, we need to understand what may lead a person to commit sexual abuse, what they look for in a target, and how we can possibly thwart steps to gain trust/access and commit abuse. For more just on those concepts, we recommend reading more from our site, specifically:

• Understanding Abusers (adult and juvenile)
• Red Flags of Child Predators
• Why All Abusers are Not Pedophiles
• Sexual Behaviors in Youth

Designated Drivers

It’s not possible for parents alone to protect children from sexual abuse, there is great benefit in having all the adults in a child’s life educated on this issues so they can be aware or situations that can increase risk, empower children, and be available and prepared to support a possible disclosure. Grandparents, caregivers, family friends, teachers etc., all play a role in keeping children safe. Sexual abuse can occur at the home of a family member, at a playdate, in school or camp – anywhere children are, which means it’s best that those adults be aware and take steps to create safer environments. Adults that are not aware of how easily and often sexual abuse can occur may miss opportunities to reduce risk and lack the courage to speak up even when they do feel a sense of concern.

Defensive Driving

As mentioned before, the best case scenario that we should aim for is working to minimize any opportunity for abuse to occur. But, how do we do that?

Minimizing 1:1 Situations

Statistically, we know that abuse most often occurs when the perpetrator is alone with a child, or out of sight of others. This does not necessarily mean they are in total isolation; abuse can occur in another room, or even in the same room, out of eye-sight. Some perpetrators seek a sense of power by being able to perpetrate abuse in situations where they could nearly be caught. Others, are more “cautious” about being detected and will be more controlled in their decisions as to when, where to perpetrate abuse. In a home setting, abuse can occur when a child and another adult/child are alone in a bedroom, playroom, etc. Increasing supervision by checking in on children when they are out of sight, or encouraging activities where there is better oversight, especially with a family gathering where it is easier to lose track of children and become distracted with conversation. Creating “rules” about such family gatherings that children do not play behind closed doors or that some areas of the house are off-limits will also send a message that the adults are prioritizing safety.

If children are involved in school/sports/activities, these organizations have taken on the responsibility for child safety, which includes protection from sexual abuse. Such organizations should properly screen applicants for a history of any allegations or reports of inappropriate behavior, ask specific question to applicants about the issues of child safety and be clear about prioritizing prevention of sexual abuse. There are trainings available and support from resources like Safe Kids Thrive that outline how to assess safety, create policies that reduce grey areas that can enable grooming behaviors, and establish a culture where safety and reporting are taken seriously.

Speaking Up

There are a number of ways that perpetrators can groom adults and children to gain trust, access children, and maintain control of an abusive situation so that it can continue undetected. As adults, we need to be vigilant of situations where people may seek to break down boundaries with children to build a bond, normalize inappropriate behaviors, and keep a child from disclosing abuse. A few examples of grooming behaviors and what they can look like:

• Love-bombing is when a perpetrator showers and adult and/or child with excessing attention/praise/affection to gain trust. This can be especially true for single parents that are targeted in order to gain access to their children, but also children lacking a stable, loving home environment. Children in foster care are particularly vulnerable to abuse and trafficking.
  • Real life example: a family where the father was diagnosed with a terminal-illness found that a family friend was eagerly offering friendship and support for the family by taking their child out for afternoon trips.
• Mentoring – adults that push they can help lead a child to advance academically, athletically, or other talent, etc., promoting that the child has great attention but that they are the one to guide that child and give them extra attention and focus to get there. This will often lead to 1:1 situations, possible trips alone with the child.
  • Real life example: a teacher began emailing a middle school student and the parents to inform them that the teacher felt the student had great potential and wanted to tutor the student after school. The emails were persistent and the parents were especially concerned as it was only the beginning of the school year and the teacher had no evidence to gauge the potential of the child.
  • Real life example: an acting coach that promised fame for a child actor, pushing for private photoshoots and casting calls without the parents present
• Gift Giving & Special Treatment – a perpetrator may seek to win children over with toys, candy, money, or special treatment – allowing them to do things other cannot: staying up late, watching restricted shows, or even illegal behaviors, such as drinking alcohol.  While some of these behaviors may be expected based on certain relationships, like a grandparent giving gifts, it may not be typical for other adults, especially those in a position of authority, like a teacher, coach, or neighbor.
  • A school principal that would “reward” children by having lunch in his office without other adults present or able to observe the interaction.
• Inappropriate Behaviors – while many believe that grooming occurs out of sight of others, it often occurs in plain-view as this can help to normalize the behavior with the targeted child. If other adults are not stepping in, then it must be acceptable. Inappropriate behaviors may include – a teacher or instructor tickling or being affectionate with children beyond expectation. (This is where clear policies can help.) Adults or juveniles that talk with children about concepts beyond their age-level; conversations about sex, romantic relationships, drugs/alcohol, etc. are not something they should be discussing with children.
  • Real life example: An elementary gym teacher that allowed students to sit on his lap during class.
  • Real life example: A swim instructor that would talk about her relationships to children in her class.
• Secrets – anytime a child is encouraged or told to keep a secret from parents or protective adults, it weakens their bond. Even if a secret seems happy or harmless (like keeping a “secret” about a gift) it’s important for children to clearly know the difference between surprises – that are always happy and only kept quiet for a short time, and secrets that are not meant to be told.
  • Real life example: A child that made a mess and was told by her aunt that she would “keep it a secret” so her parents wouldn’t know.
  • Real life example: A coach that secretly gave his cell phone number to an adolescent athlete

As adults, we can take steps to thwart perpetrators grooming children by speaking up about a situation that raises a sense concern, that can confuse children from knowing what is appropriate behavior, and increase vulnerability for abuse. Granted not all behaviors that can be considered grooming are ill-intentioned – grooming is designed to look loving, well-intentioned and harmless. As adults, we bear the burden of having to decide when to speak up and how to communicate our concern.

Body Safety Check-ins

Disclosing sexual abuse is difficult for people of any age. It should not be assumed that children will innately know to tell or have the courage to do so. As protective adults, we need to create an environment that encourage communication – so that if children have a question or concern, they can feel safe to talk about it. By checking in regularly, especially if children have spent time alone with others, we can reinforce the importance of body safety and our commitment to keeping children safe.

Preparing for a Disclosure

As we’ve said before, we cannot guarantee that we can prevent child sexual abuse, in the event that abuse has occurred, our goal is to encourage early disclosure and support a child as soon as they feel safe enough to tell, so that the healing process can begin. Too often, survivors are not believed and supported by the first person they told. For many, this was the first and last time they disclosed as a result of not receiving the support and compassion they needed.

As protective adults, as much as we never want to imagine sexual abuse occurring to a child we know, we must prepare ourselves for that moment so we can be there for that child. Remaining as calm as possible, listening and controlling our reaction, allowing the child to use their own words – these are all important steps to allow a child to feel comfortable talking. Telling a child that we are so glad they told us, that it’s not their fault, that we believe them – this is a crucial step in healing.

What if we suspect abuse, but a child has not disclosed? Every situation is unique and requires consultation to identify the best steps moving forward. Resources are available if you suspect or have received a disclosure. Reporting abuse does not guarantee that justice will be served or that a criminal investigation will even take place. In our commitment to truly protecting children, we acknowledge that child protection and our justice system do not always prioritize the rights and protections of children.

That said, an experience of sexual abuse does not mean a child’s life is over. The resilience of children is directly related to the support and character of the adult’s in their life, which means parents of children who have experienced abuse also need to invest in their own health and healing to best support their child. Mother’s of Sexually Abused Children is one organization committed to helping parents in the aftermath of abuse. Healing can come in many forms, not just psychological therapy but also expression and personal development through exercise/sports, the arts, writing, music, animal therapy, volunteering, and spending time in nature. Finding sources of connection and purpose and seeing how others find ways to process their feelings and find joy in life will help children build the resilience to do the same.

 

You may also like,

Parenting as a Survivor    5 Ways Parents can Deter Predators     The Body Safety Check-in

 

One of the most damaging misconceptions regarding child sexual abuse is the belief that children will, instinctually, disclose abuse. Many adults are unaware of how important it is to clearly educate children about sexual abuse so they can know what it is. Furthermore, many lack an understanding of the manipulation that often occurs in an abusive relationship, which confuses children and keeps the abuse from being exposed.

What Can We Do Better?

In the Parental and Caregiver Perspective study, we surveyed parents to gain an understanding of their views regarding child sexual abuse prevention. We also asked those who had a history of sexual abuse about their experience, discovering that those who were educated in body safety as children did not disclose their abuse any sooner than survivors who were not educated. There appears to be a disconnect in awareness for a number of years – many abuse prevention programs focused mainly on children, often with a “stranger danger” approach, with minimal or no education geared towards adults.

A research study in 2021, hosted a 12-person focus group of adult survivors to better gain an understanding of what children need to improve disclosure. To summarize the identified conditions were:

1. Adults Making it Possible to Tell
2. Adults Daring to Consider the “Unthinkable”
3. Conveying Knowledge of CSA That Facilitates Understanding

It is a common experience for survivors to not be believed and blamed for the abuse. In order to prevent child sexual abuse, which is roughly estimated to affect 1 in 10 children (contact-only abuse) to historical rates of 25% of women and 16% of men and the vast-majority of children with disabilities, adults need to be prepared for disclosures, and create environments that prioritize safety and encourage conversations about safety & appropriate behaviors with children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The question is, as protective adults – how can we increase disclosure rates, and even possibly prevent sexual abuse by improving communication with children? 

How can we increase disclosure rates or even prevent sexual abuse before it happens?

Normalizing Body Safety Conversations

Just as children need regular reminders about many behaviors relating to health and safety – brushing their teeth, buckling a seatbelt, the buddy-system etc., sexual abuse prevention (or “Body Safety”) is no different. Body Safety encompasses not just the ‘act’ of sexual abuse but also the precursors that can desensitize a child to abuse.

• Bodily Autonomy – teaching children that all people have a right to their own bodies and to decline interactions/touches that are unwanted. Most common, the right to not engage in affection – even with family/friends. Parents and caregivers will often see this with their toddlers seeking control over how often they are kissed, hugged, or held. Some may see this as “hurtful” but it is important for even toddlers to know they do not have to submit to affection – with anyone.
• Consent – understanding the importance of respecting the autonomy and boundaries of others, asking permission (not just with bodies, but also personal belongings), stopping an unwanted behavior, and exercising emotional competence to assess whether someone else is happy/sad/angry etc. so that even if the word “no” isn’t expressed, we can read body language to improve our ability to show compassion toward others.
• Private Parts & Privacy, keeping the intimate parts of our body private – not exposing one’s genitals, buttocks, breasts etc. and giving people privacy while changing, using the bathroom etc. Each family may have their own understanding of what it means to have privacy, but it is still important to distinguish situations that should have privacy. For example, in some families, young siblings may share a bathtub, but adults (like a babysitter, aunt/uncle, teacher) should always have privacy when they are dressing or using the bathroom.
• Secrets – no matter how innocent a secret may seem, when children are encouraged to keep secrets from the protective adults in their life, it weakens the bond and can enable perpetrators to gain control of a child. Instead, we promote that children be taught the difference between surprises, which are happy and only kept quiet for a short time before being shared openly, and a secret, which is not appropriate and should be told.
• Abuse is Never a Child’s Fault – while it may seem like a given to adults, children may internalize or externally be told by a perpetrator that they are a willing participant, that there will be negative consequences for telling, etc. Disclosing sexual abuse for adults is extremely difficult and uncomfortable, it should not surprise anyone that children will also struggle with a variety of emotions and fears. Children need to be reminded often that we will support them; they also need to see us respond calming in other situations so they can have the confidence we will not overreact or respond in a way that will make them regret or possibly rescind their disclosure. Children should be told regularly that it is never too late to tell – most children will experience abuse more than once and, if told they “must tell right away” they may internalize that message to mean that it was their failure for not telling after the first time.

So, how do we check-in?

As a family that has invested time on the issues of Body Safety summarized briefly above (learn more at our Rock Talk section for Toddlers, Grade School, Teens, and Children with Disabilities), a body safety check-in is intended to touch base with our children, especially if they have spent time alone with others, at a playdate, with a family member babysitting them, at school or camp, etc. However, this should occur during a time with minimal distractions – not driving home with eyes on the road, or when a child is playing video games, but when both parent and child can make eye contact and are in a relaxed environment. Perhaps sitting outside together, but most often parents may find this occurs at bedtime – when children are processing their thoughts about the day and are eager to delay going to sleep as much as possible.

The goal of a body safety check-in is to remind children, casually, about the importance of body safety and provide an opportunity to discuss situations that may border on inappropriate or abusive. If a child has spent time away from their parent, to check-in on how they felt about the experience and remind them that we value their safety and comfort.

A body safety check-in may sound like this (with breaks, of course, so your child can respond and it doesn’t feel like an interrogation):

“So, how was your time spent at Xyz’s house?

What did you do while you were there?

Did you do anything different or new that we don’t do at home?

Who was there?

Did you feel safe?

Did you go on the computer or their tablet?” 

Or it may start like this…

“How was school today?

Do you like your teachers?

How was it on the playground?

And, I have to remind you – I know that in the bathroom, inappropriate stuff can happen. Sometimes kids might peek in the stalls or even show their privates. It’s important to tell me and your teacher if something like that happens. Has anything that seemed confusing or uncomfortable every happened to you at school?”

On occasion, it can include asking a child what the body safety rules are, so we can assess that their level of understanding.

It can end with…

“I want you to know I love you so much, and that no matter who or what, I want to keep you safe.”

“I might not know who would do something inappropriate, but you should never feel afraid to talk to me. You matter more to me than anything.”

“I see stories in the news of kids who told when someone broke a body safety rule, this kind of stuff can happen and it would never be too late for you to tell.”

For teens, it may be much more direct…

Does your manager at work treat you with respect? Remember, you do not have to tolerate any kind of harassment from anyone.

How was your night? Remember, I’m only a text away if you need an out from a situation.

*Tweens and Teens most especially need understanding and empathy, even if they’re seeking independence, they are very much still need a safe adult to talk to. If there is a grandparent, aunt/uncle, or family friend who can help fill this role, children do benefit from having more than one caring adult that checks on them and makes themselves available. 

Expect disclosures of inappropriate behaviors, and be prepared.

Especially as children spend time with peers, there will likely be an increase of inappropriate behaviors – exposing of body parts, nonconsensual interactions, secrets, exposure to pornography/adult content etc. Not all of this will be abusive, but it may justify increased supervision, review of boundaries, conversations with other parents/adults, etc. More importantly, there may be certain grooming behaviors that children may identify before a potentially abusive situation develops. Remaining calm and allowing children to talk without interruption helps to keep communication channels open and welcome.

Possible grooming behaviors may include but are not limited to:

• Increased affectionate interactions/touching
• Adults sharing overly-personal details of their life
• Sexualized comments/jokes/compliments towards and/or in front of children
• Interest in communicating privately
• “Accidental” touching of private parts
• Adults that spend excessing time with children or seem to have a “favorite” child
• Adults that give special treatment or gifts
• Encouragement of secrets

The challenge with grooming behaviors is that they are not always obvious – many behaviors can (intentionally) mimic caring, friendly behaviors. Some adults may, unknowingly, engage in behavior that can confuse children and weaken their ability to identify inappropriate behaviors. For example, a family member may want to hug or touch a child that says “no” or tell a child that it’s a ‘secret’ to give them something.  As protective adults, we may question ourselves and the situation, not wanting to unnecessarily express concern. However, all types of potential grooming behaviors can confuse children, they may need to be addressed with the parties involved, and require increased attention.

Check-ins are part of Positive Parenting

Even if a child never experiences an inappropriate or abusive situation, having regular 1:1 conversations with our children is a great form of bonding and empowerment for children. All children need to feel valued, heard, and have the opportunity to talk to someone who wants the best for them. When children do not have safe adults in their life to connect with, they are more likely to be targeted by perpetrators that can sense and exploit their human need for connection.

Further Resources

• Rock The Talk Infants & Toddlers
• Rock the Talk Grade School
•  Rock the Talk® – Tweens & Teens
• Rock the Talk Children with Disabilities 
• Understanding Abusers
• Red Flags of Child Predators
• Advice from Families Affected by Abuse
• Sexual Behaviors in Youth 
• Minimizing Opportunity
• When to Speak Up
• Suspected Abuse
• Resources for Order

“I said no!” 

I heard these words echo out of our playroom and walked in to see what was going on. A not so uncommon exchange of one sibling poking another.

“Hey guys, what have we said about listening to other people when they don’t like how they’re being treated. If someone says ‘no’ or ‘stop’ we need to listen.“ They settle down and go back to playing. Knowing this may not be the end, I sit in the room for a bit to casually observe them.

This is a very common sort of situation that any family will experience, even within those where body safety is taught and promoted by the adults. The end goal is that it is addressed and that body safety concepts are reinforced. Just like any life lesson that we teach our children, whether it’s washing hands before we eat, picking up after ourselves, or saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, the concepts of body safety and bodily autonomy are not only taught in words, but with actions and repetition. It is unlikely that any child will fully understand the importance and value of body safety rules, which is why, when those rules are inevitably broken, we take the opportunity to use it as an educational tool – for children and adults.

There are five key body safety rules that we recommend all children know by age five, and we want to take this opportunity to address how these rules have been known to be broken and how to address these situations.

1. You are the Boss of Your Body

Children should know that they do not have to tolerate or allow unwanted touches: hugs, kisses, tickles, etc. This is a concept that young kids are often most concerned about their own bodies, but likely least concerned regarding others. Having multiple kids within the home, playdates, family gatherings, preschool and daycare centers are situations where bodily autonomy is likely to come up often, which means we, as the adults, have the opportunity to teach kids and model appropriate behavior with other adults again and again.

As kids get older they may even use bodily autonomy knowledge as a means of  aggravating or even expressing anger at another child. Prepubescent children may deliberately poke or hurt someone’s genitals, buttocks, or breasts because they think it’s funny or they know it will be that much more upsetting to the other child. Pubescent children may taunt each other as their bodies mature, especially as girls develop breasts. This could be a situation of inter-sibling annoyances, bullying, sexual harassment, hazing or a component of an abusive situation between children. With as much as 40% of child sexual abuse estimated to be perpetrated by other juveniles, it is essential that such behavior be addressed with correction of behavior and not simply brushed off as something children need to tolerate.

Respecting others with our words and actions is essential to being a good person, and children learn this first and foremost by how the adults in their lives treat them, even when we’re correcting their behavior. Being respectful in how we talk to them sets a standard that there is never an excuse to be disrespectful or inappropriate towards others.

• If young children are being goofy and crossing the boundary into inappropriate behavior (eg. tickling someone without their permission, playing games involving butts etc)  they may need redirection or a change of scenery to refocus their attention. Talking to them when they (and we) are calm about what is appropriate behavior is often more effective than trying to communicate in the moment.
• If a young child purposely hurts another child or does something involving private parts to embarrass another child (eg. kicking them in the crotch or pulling down their pants), it is likely that the offending child is experiencing some emotional distress. Responding with anger is likely only to intensify the child’s negative feelings and increase disconnection. Addressing with a calm and concerned manner – what the child’s feelings first – why they’re upset, what lead them to making that choice of behavior and then, what would be a better, most respectful way to handle their feelings, will help the child feel valued and consequently more interested in listening.

It is, no doubt, one of the most challenging aspects of parenting: to effectively and lovingly correct inappropriate behaviors in children; we will fall short of our parenting goals from time to time, and if we need to apologize for our behavior, what a great lesson we are teaching our children – that adults are not perfect and we make mistakes, too.

if we need to apologize for our behavior, what a great lesson we are teaching our children – that adults are not perfect and we make mistakes, too.

Pre-pubescent and adolescent children should a firmer grasp on what isn’t appropriate

although they may still not fully empathize with the impact of their behaviors on another person. They are also more capable of growing in knowledge of what constitutes sexual harassment, assault, child pornography, and the legal implications of such behaviors. Parents that feel their child may be struggling with problematic sexual behaviors can help them by seeking professional help. Knowing that having experienced sexual abuse may cause sexual acting out against others, and/or exposure to pornography has been linked to sexual behavior issues with children, it is important to be vigilant for signs of abuse and be educated and open about the issues of pornography’s effect on our youth.

Just as parents, schools, coaches etc. should be vigilant for such behavior,  and youth serving organizations should have comprehensive training and protocol for reducing opportunity, educating staff, educating students, reporting and disciplining. Sexual harassment is certainly an issue in middle/high schools which makes it no surprise to us, how  it continues to be prevalent college campuses, what we’re not addressing during adolescence is only intensifying when young adults live the ‘college experience.’

Children, naturally sense the authority of adults and do not always feel capable or confident enough to stand up for themselves.

When the person violating the bodily autonomy of a child is another adult, like a grandparent who is eager for a hug and a kiss or an aunt/uncle who is casually ignoring the discomfort of a child being tickled or having their hair stroked, it is equally, if not more important that we speak up. Children, naturally sense the authority of adults and do not always feel capable or confident enough to stand up for themselves. Reinforcing bodily autonomy with those closest to us and emphasizing the importance of allowing a child to be affectionate and touched appropriately when they feel comfortable, helps to continue building a culture of consent and respect for children.

In talking to a number of adults who seek advice on this very issue of adults not respecting their child’s bodily autonomy, we know it can be a challenge. Older generations are not accustomed to the idea of children having control of their bodies and feel it is a sign of respect to expect a hug or kiss. They may find it rude or ridiculous that parents teach children they have a choice and suggest that somehow teaching children bodily autonomy is the reason for the decline of respectful behavior in children these days. Changing the way people think is not always easy. Children can absolutely show respect to their family and elders by waving hello, shaking a hand, giving a high-five or a fist bump. There is no evidence that forcing children to hug or be kissed instills sense of respect, rather it has affected many survivors of sexual abuse into believing they did not have the right to say no when their own grandparent or parent sexually assaulted them. If people were to ask us, which was more important – the feelings of elders or the safety of children, we’re going to choose the child, every time.

2. Using Proper Names for Private Parts

When young children are raised to know the correct anatomical words for their genitals, there may be little to no opportunity for this rule to be broken. However, as they get older and go to school or have friends over, they may hear and learn nicknames. When we hear kids use these words, it’s a good idea to ask where they learned them. Some predators may attempt to make sharing private parts ‘fun’ by using pet names, however it is still very common that children are not being taught the proper names at home, determining the source can help identify the situation.

Reinforcing that private parts are special (in our home we talk about how they are a very sensitive part of our body and that they’re used in the process of making a baby which makes them extra special and private) and that it’s important to refer to them in a way that is also respectful and correct. Sharing educational resources, like our website, free downloads, or printed educational tools with families that don’t promote the use of proper names can certainly help them better protect and empower their children, if they’re open to learning.

3. Private Parts are Not for Sharing

Developmentally, it is normally expected that toddlers and young children will not be very concerned about privacy, however we can and should used everyday opportunities to teach and reinforce situations where people should have privacy. When our toddler is running around in their ‘birthday suit’ after a bath or a diaper change, that may be totally OK, but when it’s time to get dressed we can say ‘time to cover up those private parts’ or ‘it’s OK for you to run around now, but if someone knocks on the door, we need to get your clothes on because we want to keep your privates private.”

As a parent to young children, I am still accustomed to having minimal privacy in the bathroom and changing clothes, but I also let my children know that when they get older, I will want privacy and that we should always give privacy to others using the bathroom – like an older sibling, grandparent, a friend etc. We also promote privacy when our children are learning to use the toilet by closing the door so they have privacy even if it’s just family in the house.

Young children may also be curious about their own and other people’s bodies. Children may innocently share their privates with each other, or pull down their underwear to be funny, etc. These are opportunities to continue to reinforce proper behavior, “we keep our privates private” is a common phrase in our home. If children are curious about the human body, a book is always a great resource to address curiosity. Increased observation is important at this age, and when children are within the home, an open door policy is a good idea so that situations involving children are easily interrupted and opportunities for inappropriate behaviors are minimized. (We talk more on reducing opportunity here.)

If you’re curious what is considered normal for children, Stop it Now® offers an age-by-age guide.

Reinforcing these concepts with young children is so important, because it’s their innocence that abusers (often family and those closest to the child) use to perpetrate sexual assault and exploitation. Children should know as well, that it’s not appropriate for people to take pictures of them when they don’t have clothes on, or when they are in the bathtub. As parents, it’s natural that we want to capture these years when they’re so little and cute, but we need to remember to respect their privacy and to be an example of that, especially when and what pictures we post on social media of our children. We may choose to live a public life with our friends, family, and followers, but that does not mean our children will appreciate their images also being public and showing personal moments of their life.

As an advocate who has reported images of child sexual abuse on social media, I strongly urge parents to not normalize with children the act of taking their picture while they’re in a diaper, underwear, or nude. I would also stress that no one should be allowed to bathe your child unless they are a direct caregiver, and if anyone other than yourself bathes your child, to have a ‘check in’ with your child that privates were not shared, touched, or photographed. Bath-time is an opportunity that predators use to perpetrate against children without them knowing it’s wrong. This may be difficult to communicate with young children, which is why I will stress again that safety must be prioritized, that anyone we trust to care for our children knows and supports body safety, and that we’ve clearly communicated photos of our children only be taken in approved, appropriate situations based on what you feel most comfortable with.

Older children (about age 8+) should definitely know that sharing privates is not acceptable behavior. The biggest concern for adolescents is that exploitation and exposure to negative influences by peers and online is very common, with children often ‘sexting’ – sending and receiving nude photos with peers, or being tricked or blackmailed by online predators into sending nude photos.

The biggest concern for adolescents is that exploitation and exposure to negative influences by peers and online is very common

Children may think they’re communicating with someone their age who isn’t, they may be tricked by someone their own age and then have their photo shared to embarrass them, or threatened with harm or other negative consequences if they don’t send a photo. Giving children access to social media automatically enables them to receive messages from strangers, even if we monitor who they’re connected to, most apps allow non-contact messages to be received in a separate folder. Not only does it allow messaging from strangers, but there are no parental settings for social media apps. Being a ‘friend’ to your child’s account doesn’t mean that they cannot limit what you can view on their profile.  Even though the age limits for social media are set for age 13+ and it is against the rules for pornography, nudity, violence, harassment etc to be posted – it doesn’t stop people from posting such images, it merely allows such content to be reported and then deleted.

Which means, yes, there is pornography, violence, harassment, and a number of scams that circulate social media platforms and no, there isn’t much we can do to avoid our children from seeing it, aside from not allowing them on social media. There are a myriad of negative influences on the development of children at this age due to social media: self harm, eating disorders, bullying, harassment, the cancel-culture, etc. but some positives: being able to participate in social movements, raise awareness and fundraise, express themselves and connect with others. This is one of great debates of parenting children in adolescence: do we or do we not allow children access to social media? Before any parent makes such a decision, we advise investing the time into understand the nature of the influences of social media on youth, the dynamics of each app platform, options for parental controls, and considering the maturity and interest of your child in using social media and how you will be using social media with your child. And of course, keep an open discourse with your children over what they’re viewing and limit screen time, especially at night when they should be sleeping.

When children view pornography, send a nude photo to someone, or participate in harassing or exploitative behavior of others, how do we imagine we’d feel? Shock, anger, disappointment? How will we bring it up with our child and what will the consequences be in response? Mentally preparing for such situations, researching what children at this age experience and feel about such interactions can help guide us in making the most effective and supportive response and decision for our child. Assuming it will never be an issue for our family may only make it that much harder for us to do what is best for our children. Being aware of what our adolescents are facing and discussing these issues with them with respect for their growing sense of self and independence, we can strive to keep our values and concerns for the safety of our children and others known and heard. Conversely, youth at this age can serve as protectors for their peers, speaking up and reporting abusive behavior they witness rather than falling into the ‘bystander’ category that we are working to end in situation that involve people of all ages and situation.

4. No Secrets

Secret doors, keys, gardens – there are a number of fun stories for children about things that are secret. This body safety rule is especially important because, as we know, most abuse is not disclosed right away. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often wait years before telling someone about their experience. It is invaluable to instill an understanding that our children should not be expected to keep secrets from us; that we are ready to believe and support them no matter what they need to tell us.

We do not like to use the term ‘good secrets’ because abusers are known to groom children for abuse by asking them to keep  ‘good’ or happy secrets.

In some instances we’ve seen teaching on this issue referred to as ‘good secrets and bad secrets’. We do not like to use the term ‘good secrets’ because abusers are known to groom children for abuse by asking them to keep ‘good’ or happy secrets. They are not only building a bond with the child, they’re also testing the target and the protective adults in their life – will the child keep the secret? If they tell a parent or caregiver – will the adult say or do anything about it? Which is why it’s important that we not only educate our children about not keeping secrets, but that we also promote with the adults that we trust around our children that secrets are not allowed.

Surprises are different, because a surprise is something that will eventually be shared: a birthday party, a special gift, etc. Using this terminology instead of ‘good secret’ makes it much clearer, in our opinion, for children to understand the difference and help them identify when they need to disclose something.

Now, children may ask each other to keep secrets and not tell, or an adult may innocently ask a child to keep a secret. A few years back, I remember my child’s aunt was once helping her learn to knit, my child made a mistake and I overheard my sister-in-law telling her that she wouldn’t tell me about the error, that it would be their secret. Now, this was this such a silly situation to keep secret, but it was the perfect opportunity to remind my daughter, and educate my family member that we don’t keep secrets and that it’s normal and expected to make mistakes in life, that my children don’t need to hide things from me.

Our relationship with our children is a powerful tool for protection and empowerment. When our children feel safe talking to us, we can more effectively work to keep them safe. Of course there are no guarantees, but that can’t stop us from doing everything we can to reduce risk of abuse and help raise our children to be assured of our love and resilient in the face of adversity.

5. The Body Safety Circle™

The final basic body safety rule that we recommend for children young and old, is that they know 3-5 adults that they can talk to about body safety. At least one of these people should be a non-family member (perhaps a babysitter, teacher, coach, parent of a friend), and they should all be in frequent contact with your child. Choosing a pediatrician may seem sensible, but if a child only sees them once per year, they are not likely to easily be able to reach out if they need to talk. As parents, we want to believe that our children will come to us when they need help, but the reality is – we just don’t know if we’ll be available at the moment they’re ready, or if they’ll be comfortable to talk to us first.

Not only do we want adults that our children can talk to, we also want to surround our children with adults that know and support body safety. By creating a ‘circle of safety’ around our children by educating other adults, we’re increasing the ability for others to identify inappropriate situations and intervene or respond. Schools, daycares, youth groups, sports teams, etc. are all situations where inappropriate behaviors may occur between children or by an adult and we may not be present to observe them.

For example, a parent reached out that her child was at a birthday party where another boy was running around asking children if they wanted to see his penis. When her child told her what was happening, she brought it up to another parent who brushed it off as nothing to be concerned about. While this child’s behavior wasn’t abusive, it was inappropriate, and it could increase his own risk for abuse if he came in contact with an unsafe person. When we can’t be present with our children, we need to know that the adults that are around are prioritizing safety. There are so many stories in the news where children or adults behaved inappropriately and the adults that witnessed the behavior did not take action. While many youth organizations mandate training to identify abuse in children, it is not as widely mandated that staff and volunteers are trained to reduce risk and promote safe and responsible situations and behaviors.

Body Safety ‘Check-Ins’

Telling children that they need to talk to us if anyone breaks a body safety rule is a good idea, but again, it’s not a guarantee they will. As a parent, any time my children spend time alone with others I will ‘check in’ at a quiet time later that day to see that they felt safe, people treated each other with respect, and I will specifically ask if any body safety rules were broken. In more than one instance, this led to a conversation about inappropriate behavior or something that happened that I needed to know about.

Whether your child is a baby or toddler, going to elementary school, or a teen, there are ways we can protect and empower our children to know how important personal safety is – for themselves and others and work to raise children that are connected, respectful, empathetic, and live with a strong moral compass. Stay vigilant and stay vocal!

Author: Adrianne Simeone

The school year is coming to an end, and there are endless requests and advertisements for summer babysitters, camps, playdates, carpools, and extended visits with family. We’re striving for the right balance between supervision and freedom, entertainment and healthy boredom. There are likely to be a variety of activities and people our children will be involved with, which means we need to remain vigilant and keep open communication about body safety.

Summer Sitters

Balancing childcare can be tricky during the summer, especially for older children who may not need as much supervision as they used to. Many parents will rely on high schoolers, day camps, time with extended family and friends. It is essential that these people are educated and committed to prioritizing safety from sexual abuse.

Safety Checklist

Here are some points to consider when entrusting another person with your child.

1. This person is educated on the issues of child sexual abuse and knows you promote body safety with your child.
2. This person supports bodily autonomy by respecting that children have a right to be touched appropriately and say ‘no’ to touches or signs of affections if they are not comfortable.
3. This person acts as a role model and behaves appropriately with children, for example they do not consume alcohol or drugs while caring for children, expose children to second-hand smoke or  engage in adult-only or sexualized conversations in front of or with children.
4. You have observed this person spend time with your child and feel comfortable with their behaviors. If you are hiring a first-time babysitter you may want to start with a ‘trial’ day to watch their interactions with your child while you are home.
5. In addition, if this is a new sitter, call references, and check out their social media profiles – there is no level of discretion that is too strenuous when it comes to entrusting someone with your child.
6. Be leery of people who offer free or low-cost sitting, are willing to travel from great distances to babysit, or those that seem to frequently post their availability on babysitting sites or groups without much response.
7. If you are leaving your child in the home of another person, you know who will be in the home and these people (adults and juveniles) are aware of your body safety rules,.
8. You have expressed rules regarding any potential visitors within your home, taking your child out on errands, usage of smart devices, access to the internet, what your restrictions are for tv shows and movies.
9. You have reminded your child that their personal safety is important to you, and that regardless of who is responsible for watching them, even family, that you are prepared to believe them if someone does something that is inappropriate.
10. Your child feels safe and is not afraid or uncomfortable under the care of this person.
11. When you are alone with your child, after having spent time alone with your child, it’s great to ‘check-in’ and ask if people respected one another and acted appropriately. You are vigilant for any changes in behavior or other symptoms your child is dealing with something that is causing them stress or anxiety.

Playdates, Visitors, and Neighborhood Fun

There is nothing better than knowing your children are under your watchful eye than hosting a playdate or letting them loose in the neighborhood to play with their friends outside. We can keep a few things in mind to improve safety by addressing situations that can increase risk for abuse.

Safety Checklist

1. Promote an open door policy when children are playing indoors
2. Occasionally check-in when children are playing out of your sight, for example in the basement, in an upstairs bedroom, or outside
3. Set rules about entering the homes of other neighbors
4. Make sure other children in your home understand your body safety rules, as a protective adult this may be a great opportunity to empower children who may not be receiving this information at home. Respecting each other’s privacy, listening when someone says ‘no’ or ‘stop’ and other body safety rules, like the ones on our Body Safety Fridge Magnet are simple and effective ways to educate children on the importance of appropriate behaviors.
5. Increase observation when the age-difference between children is 3-5 years or more, especially when pre-teens or teens are at home. With as much as 40% of sexual abuse perpetrated by juveniles it is essential that we don’t drop our guard simply because of someone’s age (or gender).

Camps & Programs

Many youth-focused businesses and organizations offer camps during the summer. It can be a great way to keep children entertained and enrich their education while off school, but there are often no or minimal regulations for what these organizations and businesses need to do to prioritize safety from abuse. It may surprise you that sexual abuse prevention may not be addressed at all during the hiring, training, or overall policies created.  Because many parents do not even think to ask or may not be sure how to go about addressing this concern, such situations can enable abuse.

Safety Checklist

1. Do they screen potential applicants for previous allegations of sexual harassment or assault?
2. Do they call references of past employment and ask about any concerns or complaints regarding their behavior with children or other staff?
3. What policies do they have to reduce 1:1 situations, make it known that inappropriate touching or communication is forbidden?
4. Do staff participate in a sexual abuse prevention training?
5. If there is a situation where they receive a complaint of abuse regarding their staff will they inform parents?

Empower Children

Give your child a ‘safe word‘ that they can use to communicate to you that they need help. This can be especially helpful when they are in a situation where they don’t want to call the attention of others that they are uncomfortable or feel unsafe. It could be something like “I need my medicine” or a single word like “milk” that they can use in conversation at a party, on a phone call at a friend’s house, or text from down the street. When they use this word, they know that you will come to help them without question or delay.

Educating children continually doing body safety activity sheets, reading books, and promoting behaviors that boost their sense of self respect and understanding of consent and appropriate behavior is, in many ways, just good parenting. f

Prioritize Safety at All Ages

Even teens that are out socializing with friends, babysitting for other families, or are starting their first job, still need protection from sexual harassment and assault. With increased independence they are exposed to more people than we will ever be able to know, and thus it’s important that they know that being abused is still not their fault. From infants and toddlers, grade school children, to teens, we offer resources to help you Rock the Talk^® and speak up when necessary to help keep children safe from sexual abuse.

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We often refer to the saying “never get between a mother bear and her cubs” – and that is the reaction we want potential predators to take away with them if they should ever cross our path.

As much as 90% of child sexual abuse occurs in a situation where the child and their family know the abuser and the perpetrator has either sought out a position of trust or is taking advantage of trust due to their relationship or position of authority. Many are patient, choose their victims/families carefully and spend time grooming both the adults and children. Why all this effort? First of all, they don’t want to get caught. They want an abusive relationship with a child that they can maintain and keep secret. Some convicted child predators have been open enough to be interviewed by abuse prevention experts and we can learn from their tactics and what situations they avoided to maintain their cover.

While there are no guarantees that we can absolutely deter a potential predator, being aware of the reality, vigilant of the people involved with our children, and maintaining open communication with our children are core components to improving protection efforts. 

Show that You’re A Loving and Attentive Parent

Being interested and invested in your child’s life – activities, knowing their friends & parents, coaches, teachers, asking questions involving plans, arriving a few minutes early for pickups from practices etc. – all these little actions send a signal that you care about your child, that you’re watching.  

Predators generally look for children whose parents are less involved, indicating the child may be looking for attention/love that they aren’t getting at home. Such behavior could also indicate that the parent is busy, distracted and easily trusting of others involved with their children. A parent that doesn’t even think about the threat of abuse is just as much of a target as the child involved.

There is often a lot of debate regarding giving children the option to be affectionate on their terms, yet many adults still feel it is a sign of respect for a child to hug or kiss a relative, that there is no harm in forcing such affection. However, we know that many trust abusers use their position to maintain control and took advantage of their ‘right’ to be affection with children.  By being the adult that stands up for a child’s right to be affectionate on their terms, to make sure children are ok with tickling and rough housing and speaking up when the child is clearly not comfortable, we are empowering children to know their rights and making it harder for a potential abuser to continue their grooming process.

Be a parent that trusts their gut and isn’t afraid to say what needs to be said

No one,  and we mean no one, will care about the well being of our children more than us. Their safety is our responsibility – end of story. We shouldn’t be embarrassed or afraid of offending people in order to do this job well.

It doesn’t matter what other people think – it matters what you think.

That means:

1. Asking for verification that licensed day care providers are, indeed, licensed and for a copy of their review.
2. Ask day cares, schools, youth organizations etc about about abuse prevention policies, any training and procedures established to reduce opportunity, and that concerns are addressed appropriately. 
3. Being the person who calls references for babysitters/nannies/tutors etc and asks questions like -” did you ever feel uncomfortable with this person caring for your child?” And if you call a reference and they never get back to you – keep calling and if you can never get them, consider that to be not a good sign.
4. If something in your gut tells you ‘no’, to not put your child in a situation where you feel like you’re taking an unnecessary risk- whether it’s a sleepover, a retreat, or an unknown babysitter that was recommended by a friend, listen to your gut. Your instinct is based on some truth – even if you can’t put your finger on it, the purpose of your instinct is to avoid danger. When it comes to keeping your child safe, it doesn’t matter what other people think – it matters what you think.
5. If you have a concern about someone’s behavior – express it. Whatever it is, if someone is giving off a signal that what they’re doing is making you or your child uncomfortable, it is never wrong to speak up.

Grooming often starts in the presence of other adults.

Grooming often starts with such behavior in the presence of other adults in order to normalize the behavior with the child as being acceptable – if mom or dad isn’t objecting, then this must be OK. Furthermore, we enable abuse when we trust that other people have our children’s best interests in mind – especially when we’re paying them.  This is just not the case.

There are often situations where someone does suspect something is up but is afraid of offending that person or making a mistake. But we need to ask ourselves, what do we care about more, our children’s safety or someone’s feelings when our concern is legitimate? Which outcome would we prefer: expressing a concern and finding out that there’s no problem or not speaking up only to later discover we were right and could have saved a child a lot of suffering?

Respect and Listen To Our Child

Just as we have instincts, our children have them too. They also have a right to have their concerns heard and valued. Parents that listen to their children and respect their opinions and feelings will show potential predators that you are not an ideal target.

Most children will not come out and express their concern, they may be more vague, or they may be naïve to the grooming behaviors and thus we need to be attuned when they are talking about how they feel about others. For example: 

Child: “I don’t want to go to Uncle Danny’s house – he’s weird.

“Parent: “Don’t say that about your uncle – he’s your family – you have to be nice to him.”

A better reaction: “What is it about Uncle Danny that you think is weird?”

It’s up to us to prioritize safety, not dismiss our children as being incapable of knowing something we don’t.

Child: “Alison’s babysitter is way cooler than our sitter. “

Parent: “That’s nice for Alison.” 

A better reaction: “What is it that you like about Alison’s sitter?”

Maybe the sitter does cool arts & crafts or it could be that they are letting them do things that you wouldn’t approve of. Since many abusers won’t necessarily come off as ‘bad’ people it’s important to pay attention to the dynamic of any relationship your child has, even if it appears to be positive, and especially if it’s with someone new. As our children get older, they will likely spend more and more time away from us and it may become more challenging to observe such interactions, which is why it will become even more important to ask questions, listen, and ask our children from time to time if the people they spend time with are acting appropriately and respecting body safety rules. 

Be the Person Person That’s Not Afraid To Say It

I am educated and committed to preventing child sexual abuse.

Imagine there is a possible predator in your community, you’re in their presence and just happen to mention something you’ve learned about child sexual abuse and how you’ve spent time to educate yourself to protect your family. Do you think this person would want to target you and your family? As convicted offenders have shared they look for families that trust easily. The most prolific abusers are often from ‘safe’ desirable communities because people do not believe child sexual abuse is something they need to worry about and often feel that it’s not polite to talk about. 

The more comfortable we feel discussing this issue with friends & family, the more we normalize a culture of protecting and empowering children, and in turn creating an environment that is safer for children and more difficult for predators to operate.

Many parents reach out to us shocked to find that the youth organizations they trust with their children are not properly educated or taking necessary steps to protect children. When they address the issue with management they are often faced with a lack of concern or naiveté – assuming that background checks are sufficient and that everyone that works for them is ‘nice’.

Be The First Line of Defense 

While pedophiles are sexually attracted to prepubescent children, for many predators it’s not about sexual attraction, they choose children because they are easy to target and control. Most sexual abusers of children are not pedophiles but choose to sexually abuse children due to other personal issues. The idea that we can somehow spot someone who is a sexual abuser only creates a false sense of security, as many abusers take satisfaction in being able to maintain a public appearance, giving them a greater sense of power. 

Preventing abuse is an adult’s job, children that have experienced abuse should never feel they are to blame.

We should never assume a child will have the ability to effectively protect themselves from a skilled pedophile, and in all likelihood we should understand that most children will not.  Outdated abuse prevention lessons focused on teaching children that they must yell ‘no’ and run away to tell someone. This strategy, although created with the hope that it would stop abuse from happening in the first place, was not realistic or effective. Survivor who were taught they must say ‘no’ and didn’t, have shared with us how the blame they felt as a result discouraged them from disclosing because they felt it was their fault that the abuse happened.

In all reality, we know that even when adults are sexually assaulted, they are overwhelmed by confusion and experience the freeze response. Teaching children it is their job to protect themselves from sexual assault when adults are not able to accomplish this simply does not make sense. That being said, we can and should do our best to educate children to know their self worth and right to be respected and treated appropriately. Children have a right to say ‘no’ to situations or touches that make them feel uncomfortable, but it is not their job to say ‘no’. Keeping the responsibility off children to stop abusers is essential in helping them disclose sooner and understand that abuse is never their fault.

Sadly, family members and romantic partners of single parents are often some of the most common, yet least reported, sexual abusers of children because they have what all predators need: access and trust. The people we consider to be the last we would suspect should be the first that we educate, and expect to set a standard for our children on what safe appropriate relationships look like. No one can earn a ‘free pass’ with our children. No one. 

Educating the adults and older children we trust with our children is key to improving the awareness of the good people we trust, and deterring the potential threat that may exist in our circles. Being aware of ‘red flag’ behavior that is associated with potential grooming behavior and symptoms of abuse in children can help us adults prevent and identify a situation that requires intervention sooner. Many parents of child survivors look back and realize there were little signs they ignored or did not associate with abuse that made sense as they became educated after a disclosure. If there is one thing that they want to come out of their experience it is to help other adults and parents be educated so that their children can be protected and disclose abuse as soon as possible.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution

Many people want to know a sure-fire way to protect their children from sexual abuse, unfortunately that is just not possible. Even the most loving, attentive parents cannot 100% guarantee their child’s safety – but that shouldn’t stop us from trying our hardest and doing as much as we can to thwart potential predators, be cognizant of warning signs, and keep positive, open and honest communication with our children. Some consider the fact that over 90% of abuse is perpetrated by people known to the child as a negative, but we can see it as an advantage – we know the people we need to educate and look out for, and we know these people are watching us to see if we are educated.

 Sexual abuse does not have to mean a life of struggling and pain, the sooner a child discloses, is believed and supported in their healing, the more their sense of resiliency can help minimize the impact of trauma and emotional distress. Even if our child never experiences a situation that puts their personal safety at risk, the steps that we can take to protect and empower children against abuse will encourage our children grow in respect for themselves and others and strengthen our bond as a family. This isn’t just about abuse prevention, it’s also about being better parents for our children. 

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A very brave 8 year old girl in Kentucky started 2018 by filing a report of sexual abuse at the hands of her friend’s father during a sleepover. (Link to story here)While some families have a ‘no sleepovers’ rule, with the right precautions, we believe the risk for abuse can be significantly reduced.

1. Allowing your child to have sleepovers for fun only when you feel confident that they understand what private parts are and that they should not be shared.
2. Only having sleepovers with family/friends that you know well and are as supportive of body safety rules as you are. If you’re not comfortable to talk about abuse prevention with them, then you shouldn’t be comfortable letting your children under their care without you, right?
3. You know who will be in the home, including any older siblings (or their friends) extended family or romantic partners and these people are aware of your family’s body safety rules as well. 
4. You have a ‘safe’ word that you’ve taught your child so that if they need to call you and ask for help they can do so without calling unwanted attention. For example, “I need my medicine” may be a good way for your child to let you know they need you.

A good alternative to giving a cell phone to a child (especially if you’re minimizing access to the internet) are the watch phones that are geared towards kids, which only allow a child to call/text their parents.

These rules should apply to play dates as well. Let’s never assume that by removing the aspect of ‘sleeping over’ that there is no risk, a person interested in sexually abusing a child only needs a few minutes of time with that child out of the sight of others, which can easily happen in another room, in a car, or outdoors. It is our responsibility to know who is around our children and vocal about our knowledge and support of body safety.

During a quiet moment after time spent away from you (and not in front of others), it’s always a good idea to ask your child if they enjoyed themselves, whether or not everyone acted appropriately, and watch for any changes in behavior.  We even created a Body Safety Fridge Magnet to help families break the ice with such conversations and remind children and visitors of their rules to prevent abuse. 

When The Words Can’t Come Out – Behavior Often, But Not Always, Speaks

Sexual abuse is innately psychological – it affects a person’s sense of body autonomy, self worth, ability to trust others, properly identify safe and unsafe situations, and to simply focus on daily tasks in an efficient and healthy manner.

There is no exact ‘road map’ for how the brain will respond to sexual abuse, there are a multitude of factors that come into play – the child’s family situation, their own age and mental capacity, who the offender is and how the abuse is being perpetrated, just to list a few. To say that there is a ‘typical’ response to abuse is not only ignorant, it’s also hurtful to survivors essentially shaming them for not acting the ‘right’ way, as if their behavior somehow lessens the impact of the abuse and puts blame on the subject of the abuse.

Yes, There Can Be No Signs

Before we begin going over the possible signs of abuse children may exhibit, we  strongly urge you to make a habit of talking about body safety with your children, and on occasion specifically asking if anyone has ever broken a body safety rule. Numerous parents have shared with us that their child disclosed abuse during one of these talks.

How Can a Child Not Show Signs of Abuse?

• The child may not know that what is happening to them is wrong, offenders often try to make such contact friendly – as part of a game
• The abuse may not hurt and therefore the child is confused about how their body is responding to stimulation
• The child is mentally blocking out the abuse – which can happen for years, even into adulthood
• The child is so concerned about the consequences of disclosing (breaking apart a family, facing the reaction of those who find out, having to go to the authorities, etc) that they go above and beyond to maintain a normal composure

We also recommend choosing other trusted adults (or responsible teen, like an older sibling or cousin) to be part of their ‘body safety circle.’ These people should be educated in your child’s body safety rules and prepared for a possible disclosure of abuse. The reality is, children are better protected when they are surrounded by people that support body autonomy and understand how abuse is perpetrated.  

​Now, depending on the age your child – they may ‘test’ what it means when someone breaks a body safety rule. It is important to listen, respond with a calm voice, and make a decision on how to proceed with the information given. If you are unsure if you need further help, there are resources available.

children are better protected when they are surrounded by people that support body autonomy and understand how abuse is perpetrated.

Fear

Fear may be one of the more obvious sign of abuse, but it is not necessarily directed with the intensity that many expect. Depending on the age of the child, their relationship to the offender, and the extent of the abuse – the child may or may not be fearful of their abuser. Naivete, level of trust with the offender, combined with an offender’s specific intention of not causing physical pain (at least not at first) to the child, often create feelings of confusion, not fear. However, if the child does understand that what is happening is wrong and/or physically feels pain from the abuse, or is threatened by the abuser if they tell – there are some signs that they may exhibit.

• Fear of that person or place where the abuser occurred, sometimes a child may fear a certain gender or people with similar attributes/behaviors
• Child is overly obedient (possibly not just with their abuser), child may be under the control of their abuser – not allowed to socialize with others
• Nightmares or bedwetting
• Over-dressing and/or demanding extreme privacy when changing or using the bathroom A child may want to wear extra underwear or dress in baggy clothes to cover their body to minimize attention and increase protection from an abuser
• Fear for their family or other loved ones, becoming clingy, not wanting to be alone, lacking confidence in new situations
• Self-soothing behaviors – thumbsucking, rocking, needing a comfort blanket/animal
• Running away

Anger

A very common but arguably not as often associated with abuse as it should, children that are burdened with the secret of abuse yet feel they cannot disclose (or have disclosed and were not helped), will resort to various forms of aggressive or destructive behavior – toward themselves and/or others. As adults, it’s important to remember that behavior is communication, and that it is important to understand and address ‘why’ this behavior exists. A child acting out because of abuse that is punished for their behavior will likely only grow to become more agitated.

• Aggression toward others, animals, or destruction of property
• Self harm – cutting, hair pulling
• Anger directed toward those they feel should be protecting them – ex. a child may claim his parents don’t love him because they do not suspect anything

As adults, it’s important to remember that behavior is communication

Depression & Low Self Esteem

Depending on the child’s understanding of abuse, if the abuse is continual, and how long they have kept the abuse a secret – feelings of shame, guilt, and lost sense of self worth will begin to impact their daily life. Those who know the child may notice a sudden or a gradual decline in their mental health:

• Withdrawal from friends, family, schoolwork and activities they once enjoyed
• Overeating
• Sleeping often throughout the day
• Talks in a disparaging way about themselves
• Drawn to friendships/relationships where they are mistreated
• Substance abuse
• Suicide/attempted suicide

Anxiety

Because abuse directly affects a child’s growing brain it may impact their ability to function in ways people may not expect. Post traumatic stress disorder can be misdiagnosed as attention deficit disorder, and if doctors and psychologists are not aware of the possible overlap of symptoms, a child in need of help may instead be put on a medication to reduce the ‘symptoms’ of their trauma. Children that experience abuse will struggle with trust, how to identify safe and unsafe situations, and simply cannot process the trauma without help. They may develop nervous ticks, come off as distracted, or unsettled. A child may strive to counteract this loss of control in their life by overcompensating in other ways..

• Striving for perfection in school or extra curricular activities/sports
• Developing an eating disorder
• Excessively washes self or other compulsive behavior
• Struggling to focus in school or in regular conversation
• Becomes easily startled and may become emotional

Sexual Behaviors

Depending on the child’s age, they may exhibit signs of knowledge about sex beyond their age. Older children may become promiscuous, seeking numerous sexual situations as a means of gaining control of their sexuality, because they interpret sexual performance with self worth, or because they feel that they are only worth being used by others for sex. Some may avoid romantic relationships, intimacy, and sexual interaction but there is no one ‘right’ way for a child to respond.

• ​Young children talking sexually, kissing with open mouth/tongue, acting out sexually with oneself, others, with toys, in drawings etc
• Children that compulsively masturbate, exhibit signs of  pornography addiction
• Children that openly and/or frequently perform sex acts with their peers or adults, possibly prostituting themselves or falling prey to a trafficker

Physical Signs

Sexual abuse is, surprising to many, often lacking in physical symptoms. Sadly, this can make prosecution challenging. Many doctors are not adequately trained to properly identify abuse – there are specialized pediatric-SANE (sexual assault nurse examiners) that work at hospitals or in connection with a child advocacy center. Signs are most often seen in younger children and can include:

• Abrasions, redness, swelling, bruising or itching of the genitals, anus or the mouth
• Bleeding  
• Urinary tract infection, sexually transmitted disease
• Pregnancy

Other Signs Due to Stress

• Headaches
• Stomach aches
• Panic Attacks

When Children Want to Tell

Disclosing sexual abuse is not easy, especially when a child is old enough to understand that it’s not right, and sometimes more difficult as time passes and the child struggles with feelings of shame and embarrassment. Young children may tell and not be understood or believed, and others may drop subtle ‘hints’ hoping that someone may ask questions, helping them gauge what the person’s reaction may be and if they will be believed.

For example:

• A ten year old boy that told his mother his butt was hurting when he’d go to the bathroom, he would later disclose to friends at school that he had been raped
• A girl who told her mother that her teenage male cousin was ‘weird’, it would take more than ten years for her and her sister to tell that he had been molesting them during family gatherings
• A young girl who told her parents that her uncle touched her cookie – it would turn out that ‘cookie’ was a word he had taught her to call her vulva.

When a Child Recants a Disclosure

Have we mentioned that disclosing abuse is hard? It’s even harder when a child faces not being believed, the fear of reporting, and the backlash of people who are ‘inconvenienced’ by such a disclosure. Allegations will inevitably affect the accused’s job, personal life, and the entire social dynamic of the community. If the offender is well respected and connected, it will likely make it even more painful for the child and those that believe.

Out of all sexual offenders, very few will be reported to the authorities, even less will be charged, and only a small fraction of all abusers will face a conviction – yet, it has been estimated that less than 1% of sexual abuse disclosed by children is false.

Cases that involve custody disputes are often handled in family court, and do not receive the same type of investigation as non-custodial offenders. Children and non-offending parents in such cases rely on social workers and have to pay for their own legal representation and expert analysis by therapists or guardian ad litems (GALs). There is growing evidence that non-offending parents are systematically being suspected of ‘parental alienation‘, which has resulted in children being put in to the custody of the offending parent.

less than 1% of sexual abuse disclosed by children is false.

Be Prepared

Talking about body safety – with our kids and the people we trust is not just a good idea, it’s essential. With sexual abuse at epidemic levels and nearly all offenders being people known to the child, often a family member and/or a juvenile, it is likely that we all know multiple survivors of child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse happens in loving families, in nice communities, in top-rated school systems – perpetrated by some of the most respected members of society. Just as there is no typical way for a child to react to abuse, there are no ‘typical’ offenders, either.

Be educated.

Know the risk, talk about body safety – with kids and other adults.

Be vigilant.

Pay attention to situations that give offenders opportunity. Look for potential signs of abusers and abuse in children.

Be fearless.

Speak up when a situation puts a child at risk. Believe the child. Support the child – even when others would prefer to deny or minimize the impact of abuse. Report abuse.